Sunday, May 18, 2014

Passing Me By

Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by.  I guess I am feeling particularly reminiscent as I consistently reminded of people growing older, things changing, and here I am... stuck in the middle somewhere as always.

I think I can contribute this melancholy state to the end of the school year.  As I packed my bags to head home for the summer, I just marveled on how much my life had changed.  I wasn't the same girl that was sent off to school nearly 4 years ago.  I feel like the people I know from back home do not understand or grasp this concept because they do not leave.  They do not get out.  They do not know what it's like to see the world and the changes that are forced upon you by having to adapt since you have left your "same old same old" environment and headed off into the complete unknown.  Sometimes I am bitter because these people, their lives have continued on here without me.  They've done the things that they need to do to excel without me.  I am no longer apart of that picture.  I hear people complain all the time that they do not have any friends because they are now mothers or have full time jobs or because all their friends went to college.  Well, I can tell you that when I am home I feel the same way.  I don't have any friends left here, not really.  These people have kept changing without me.  I try not to be angry, but when I have to listen to those pity parties I can't help but feel bitter.  They place all the blame on everyone else--for leaving, for not holding up ties, for not doing things as they should... but I think you need your own share of the blame.  The phone works two ways.  You could text me or call me.  You could reach out.  After  a while of no one reaching out, you can't help but feel bitter which is kinda where I'm at right now.

It's amazing to me how much summers have changed over the course of the years.  Before you know it, this one will be over and then comes my senior year of college.  And everything that comes along with it--cap and gown, senior pictures, graduation, etc.  Before you know it the world as I know it will start to change.

It's funny that so long ago I titled this blog Life.As.I.Know.It.  I can't help but laugh at that tonight while I'm throwing my helter skelter thoughts together, writing them down to sort out my mind.  Pretty soon this life as I know it will resemble nothing that I know at all.

I only hope the direction that life takes me as the next part of this journey nears me is the right one, or at the very least an interesting direction.

Friday, January 3, 2014

On Paper

Lately, I haven't been sleeping that much.  When I'm up late at night, sometimes I'm feeling especially reflective.  I don't know what to do with my thoughts, my feelings.  They seem to chase me around at night, keeping me awake.  I don't know how to handle them, how to process where I'm at right now or where I was at, since the memories that keep me awake tend to be those of the past.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep I opened the second drawer on my nightstand, where all of my secrets lie.  I always say that when most of my family has gone to the other side, I will write a book loosely based on my life and most of the content will come from these books.  Last night, I flipped one open and found myself right where I needed to be.  On that page, I had a story about a particular friend and it just made me stop to pause in wonder as to how his life had changed since me writing about that saga.

I don't share the things here that I wish I could sometimes, because this is a very public blog.  Which I love, because it gives people the chance to read my writings and for me to get comments.  However, I don't blog enough about the crafty things I find myself doing or the adventures with my friends. 

I think it's time to take some of my deepest, darkest thoughts back onto paper and see how it goes.  There's so much going on right now that I feel I need to keep a collection of.  I guess I'll see if I can get my hands on an empty notebook and try to write again.  I just wish my handwriting had improved since middle school, when I had my first journal.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Moving into exam week

I'm currently holed up in the Writing Center (where I work) bored out of my mind.  I didn't have to work today but opted to so I could get some work done while I sat in here quietly, plus the little extra money is nice.  I'm going to head to the library after this, praying that I don't slip and fall in the ice, to get an online take home examination completed.  I'm really looking forward to finishing exams, but I have had the hardest time figuring out my method of attack for my exams this time when compared to other times.

I have English 350 Modern Lit to complete as a take home, then the one that I'm going to take tonight is Gender and Sport's online exam.  Then I have a scheduled history of photography exam Tuesday afternoon.  I've already taken my weightlifting final, so that leaves me with figuring out when to take social problems and human health & disease via the formal exam system. 

I should be doing the English exam right now, but I'm too distracted and still suffering from a headache that I woke up with this morning.  I'm going to at least knock out the gender and sport tonight, leaving me all day tomorrow to study and prepare for the exams that I have during this week.  I think that I'm going to take my art history exam in the afternoon, then take an exam Tuesday evening.  After that I will take an exam at some point on Wednesday, probably during the afternoon.  That leaves me with my English take home, which is due on Friday.  I have to finish it before I leave, so I'm going to see if I can get that accomplished at some point during all of that madness.  I'm really nervous about the biology and the social problems exam, because I know that both of those will cover a lot of information.

I guess I'll just have to see where I end up, but regardless by Friday I will be done and my big white butt will be in SoCo for Christmas.  Can't wait.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sorting Through

I haven't written in so long that this is just a random impulse that is bringing me here tonight.  I need somewhere to process what's going on in my head and I guess vomiting out some words on a little read webpage of a blog from the depths of the interweb is a great place to start.

My mind has been everywhere lately, and I'm sure I'll continue to avoid the purpose of this post even after writing.  I once had such a successful blog, my writing helped me focus and express myself, and my crafting was going fantastic.  People were interested in what I was doing and they were helpful with their comments about my ramblings about life.  I'm only twenty, I'm still trying to figure out so many things.  They tell me it gets easier, but I doubt it honestly.

I've spent most of my life grappling to come to terms with who I am, why I am where I am at, and how to best relate and understand the people around me.  Every day is a constant reminder that while I'm doing a much better job at defining myself as a person when it comes to who I am and what I stand for, I am still struggling to relate to these people around me.  I've spent my whole life processing and handling situations different than everyone else.  Something that I have long ago come to terms with, but it seems that everyone else can't wrap their heads around it and sometimes, it hurts my feelings.

I live in the madness where I don't want people to ask me how I'm doing because they will not want a genuine answer, but also at the point where I crave someone to talk to, someone who initiates and really seems to care. 

Friends seem to constantly point out that I don't initiate fun time with them, but I guess no one can see how much of a struggle it is for me to get up and go to these things they are asking me to do.  Every day is a battle--every day is a battle where I fight the same war inside my head to get up, to function, to breathe, to shower, to go to class, to eat, etc.  It never seems to turn off no matter what I do. 

I don't want to say I've lost hope, but after this much time I've started to see things differently and I don't know if things will ever be "normal" as someone else lives.  I try to believe that everyone was put on this earth for a purpose, but then I wonder what mine is.  I can barely keep my  head above water and I'm doing all that I can, but it just never seems enough. 

Fake it until you make it has long been my motto, but I'm not sure how long it is going to take me to make it.  I don't know how long I can handle people buying into the "faking it" crap either.  I can be the most miserable, a new all time low, and the people around me don't notice.  It's almost sad that I can function at that point, with things so well hidden.  I'm sometimes bitter that the people around me don't notice, don't seem to care, or don't seem to do anything.  But at other times I'm almost proud that I can keep so many secrets and keep so many things covered that no one seems to guess anything at all. 

I feel as if life is a never ending maze of doors I've slammed shut, people I've made angry because they don't understand what I need or what I'm trying to do, or a large pot of problems that I seem to find myself sinking in.

I guess one day I'll figure it all out.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Simple Little Post

Love this game!
I needed to take the time to write a few things and to see where my thoughts left me.  My mind has been every where since returning home for the summer, starting my new job, and starting classes.

I'm also spending a good amount of time avoiding people that I simply don't want to see.  It's amazing how much seeing someone's car somewhere can just fill me with anger and resentment.  I know that it is impossible to avoid certain people forever this summer, but I'm going to need time to adjust to the fact that my old haunts aren't quite as safe as they used to be.

I wanted to share some recent photos with y'all, if I can pull them up. I recently learned that Flickr is offering 1TB of free storage(!) but I hadn't signed in since before the announcement.  At first glance, the site is looking a lot different.

This is about as close to a "Wordless Wednesday" post as I will ever be able to get to.  I just simply ramble too much, but here is my life in pictures for the most part!
My class theme.
Rainbow chasing!
Mason jar cup from WalMart!
I'm obsessed with making myself pretty on instagram
Glitter nails are the best.
What I sent my mom the other day
Back country road
Recent photo... I'm a little bit tanner now!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

What I've Been Reading & Ebook Lending Site Roundup

Friend me on Goodreads!

As I've blogged about recently, I've been doing a lot of reading lately.  I've really started to get into reading books on my iPad, using the Kindle and Nook apps.  I've really been excited with the selection, the prices, and, of course, the free books that I have been able to find from all over the internet.

Here's what I've finished recently:

Twenty Weeks
I'm Listening with a Broken Ear
Believe in Me:  A Teen Mom's Story
The Girl Who Couldn't Say No: 
 The Memoir of a Teenage Mom

Wide Awake

Must Love Dogs (there's a movie too!)

Breaking Twig

Where did I find all of these books, you might ask? A few of them, I found for free on Amazon. But, a good chunk of them came from book lending websites. You list some of the ebooks that you have that you could loan out (you can only loan an ebook once) and they match you with a user who wants that book. You send it to him/her, it returns to you when the loan is up, and other users do the same thing for you. It's a great system. Here is a run down of my favorite book lending sites so far:

  1. BookLending So far, this is my favorite.  I've gotten several loans from this site and I've loaned out to several people.  This site is Kindle only and it seems to be one of the biggest sites on the web.  One of the things that I really like about this site is that if you say you want to borrow a book, it lets you know if there are a lot of people who are interested in borrowing that book (so you can have an idea if you should wait or not).  It also tells you if there are no lenders for that book, again to get an idea of that wait time.  If there are no lenders or there is a long wait, you should pay it forward and buy yourself  a copy of the book that way you can lend it out when you are finished!  You can set this site up to receive none, 1, 2, or 3 books a week (if there are copies available of things on your wishlist) that way you don't end up bombarded with books.
  2. If you are interested in books for your Nook and your Kindle, this is a great place to go because they organize loans in both formats.  So far, I've been pretty happy with this site even though it isn't my favorite.  The organization is a little clunky, but it's functional!  
  3. Lendink Lendink is another one of my favorite sites.  I've gotten several books using this service so far and I think that it's pretty cool. On the main page it shows available books (meaning that someone has a copy for loan on the site), which I love to browse.  Lendink uses a credits system, meaning that you can only have three books out through the site at any time.  I like this, but if you have a request pending for someone to loan you a book this means that if you don't get it right away, you have to delete it or wait until the person gets back to you.  I currently have three requested books that the lender hasn't responded to in over a week.  I'm going to leave them for a while, because I have plenty to read but it's still annoying. 
  4. EbookFling I have not tried this site out yet because I've been so busy with the others, but it has been one that has reviewed by others.  If you are interested, google it!
  5. Lendle So far, this site has done nothing but frustrated me.  When looking for popular books on this site, most of them have the max requests for loans reached so you can't even add it to your list of things that you would like to one day be loaned.  To me, that is pretty damn frustrating so I haven't spent too much time with this website.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Paperbacks & Headaches

I made it through exam week, alive, somehow.  I've been home for a few days, waiting on the start of May Term.  My time here has been crippled with headaches that have made my focus nonexistent and me very irritable.  Tylenol is not helping.  I haven't even tried to knit.  I'm working on a delicate shawl in sport weight and there are so many small stitches (small to me, when all I seem to use is worsted weight) so I have made little progress on that beauty.  It doesn't help that I need a longer cable for the project.  I could probably make do with this one, but I like room to spread out my stitches.  I've logged into KnitPicks to see how much a new cable would be only to discover my wishlist is gone with the new site update.  Sighs.  I don't really see the point of ordering from them if I don't get the $50 worth of merchandise in order to get free shipping, but I don't have the money to spend $50 on crafty things at the moment.  I was really hoping that I could sell one of the baby blankets I've made recently in order to buy stuff, but no luck there. 

While I've been home, I've found myself wrapped up in several novels here lately.  I've been reading books on my iPad, via the Kindle app.  It's been great fun so far and I've really gotten lost in the novels that I've been reading.  I've also been tracking my books on Goodreads, which has added to the fun of reading for me.  Before, reading was never really a social thing, but this has helped.

I am currently reading The Golden Acorn by Catherine Cooper.  So far, so good.  I managed to snag this book when the Kindle version was free.  It is part of the series, so I can see now that I will be shelling out for the other books soon enough, if I like it.

I have recently finished Letting Go and Holding On by Domino.   While the books were good, I felt that the writing style was not that fantastic and found several errors in the text, which is a pet peeve of mine.  Letting Go was free for the Kindle, but after I got interested in the story I had to shell out $2.99 to pay for Holding On.  I think the purpose of free books is to get you sucked into the story because they know you will want to read the next book and will spend the money for it.  Story of my life, right there. 

Previously, I got sucked into a series called the MacKinnon Curse after reading the first free book, The Deepest Cut.  For a good ghost story with some teenage angst and real life problems thrown in, I recommend this series.  Try the first one--it's free!

I've been busy keeping a list of books that I want on my Amazon Wishlist.  It's a great way for me to keep track of digital downloads that I want, plus now I can post the wishlist in my RAK group on Ravelry.  So far, I've gotten a handful of RAKs, mainly cards, and met some new pen pals.  I love connecting with other people and I hope to RAK some people in the future as well.  I just like keeping a running list of what I want--plus, people never know what to buy for me so I'm trying to make it easy! 

Dixie, our dog that went missing, came home on Saturday.  It was great to see her and I'm so glad that she's back in the house here with us.  She got sprayed by a skunk while she was out and about, but we've given her a bath with a concoction that is supposed to do away with the odor.  She was not too thrilled about that, to say the least.

I've done a lot of soul searching while I was home.  Brent and I have ended things, badly, which wasn't how things were supposed to be.  I'm tired of him, quite frankly, and happy that I'm going to be able to really find myself with him out of the picture, 100%.  I believe that people will get what they deserve in life and he does not deserve me, after everything that he's done to me and everything that he's lied about.